Security Death Match
You know the rules, men! A rhetorical duel to the death over the
Bush Social Security plan. Our contestants today are Bob Deadhead,
representing the Baby Boom Generation, and Hal Grunge, representing
Generation X. Hal, you shoot first. Let the battle begin!
People like you are the problem with Social Security. You dont
want to give up the life that was handed to you on a platter after
your parents won World War II.
Your generation doesnt know what war is! My generation spent
a decade evading the draft so you wouldnt have to. And our
music is better!
Your generation screwed the folks who werent smart or well-connected
enough to evade the draft, and thats what youre trying
to do now with Social Security. One of the reasons George W. Bush
"won" the election is because he promised to fix Social
Security. How is he planning to fix it? Hes going to let people
"invest" the money they contribute: instead of giving
folks a guaranteed income upon retirement, people will make more
money by investing it themselves. He quotes all sorts of facts and
figures about how much more money people will save if they invest
it on their own instead of letting the government squander it on
highways and ICBMs.
Thats right the government has done a terrible job
with investing Social Security revenues. If all the contributions
made into Social Security over the past 65 years had been invested
in the stock market, we wouldnt have a Social Security crisis
today. Bushs plan gives people the chance to do just that.
This might just work todays trash collectors and burger
flippers will become tomorrows rich financiers! On the other
hand, these same people have the opportunity to invest money on
their own now, and look what they do with it they give it
all away "investing" in a sock puppet selling dog food,
or they buy 30 lottery tickets every week hoping to "cash in."
Why should we think that theyll invest their Social Security
dollars any better?
These people arent investing the money because the government
is taking too much away from them. Social Security taxes are WAY
Amen, brother! But lets face it, the reason Social Security
was invented was to keep stupid people from starving. These people
didnt save their money, and it was getting embarrassing for
the government to have people eating dog food and living out of
trash cans. So they started Social Security. Now old stupid folks
can fritter away their dying years in the comfort of a trailer while
they entertain themselves with "Survivor" and "Who
Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" Any plan to save Social Security
has got to work for stupid people.
But it will! The new plan will have safeguards so people can be
assured of a minimal income in retirement.
So what youre saying is, instead of ONE bad Social Security
program, well have TWO: an investment program for smart, lucky
people, and an insurance program for stupid, unlucky ones. And this
is supposed to SAVE us money?
But its GOT to work! My 401K just tanked after I shifted all
its assets into GorillaChow.com. I dont want to have to work
until Im 75!
So youre going to make Good Ol Generation X bail you
out! Your parents conquered the world for you, and now youre
going to make your kids pay for your retirement. Arent you
even a LITTLE ashamed of yourself? Heres an idea that just
might work. How about you try a little harder, save a little more,
and be a little more careful with your money? With some luck, you
and most of your generation might be able to retire between age
65 and 70. But Social Security wont kick in until 75. You
see, Social Security was meant to be an insurance policy, not a
retirement plan. Heck, under this plan, we might just be able to
LOWER the Social Security tax, so everyone will have the opportunity
to save more.
Youre right, Hal, that plan just might work. It makes a lot
of sense. But it will never fly I know my generation too
well. Were too greedy. A plan like that would mean wed
have to stop leasing a new Beamer every two years. Wed even
think twice about paying those golf club dues. Not going to happen.
You better bend over and take it like a man, cause youre
screwed! And my generations music is still better.
There you have it folks, another death match this one was
a real thriller, too. The votes are still coming in, but were
prepared to declare Bob the winner, by a knockout!