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Social Security Death Match EMCEE: You know the rules, men! A rhetorical duel to the death over the Bush Social Security plan. Our contestants today are Bob Deadhead, representing the Baby Boom Generation, and Hal Grunge, representing Generation X. Hal, you shoot first. Let the battle begin! HAL: People like you are the problem with Social Security. You don’t want to give up the life that was handed to you on a platter after your parents won World War II. BOB: Your generation doesn’t know what war is! My generation spent a decade evading the draft so you wouldn’t have to. And our music is better! HAL: Your generation screwed the folks who weren’t smart or well-connected enough to evade the draft, and that’s what you’re trying to do now with Social Security. One of the reasons George W. Bush "won" the election is because he promised to fix Social Security. How is he planning to fix it? He’s going to let people "invest" the money they contribute: instead of giving folks a guaranteed income upon retirement, people will make more money by investing it themselves. He quotes all sorts of facts and figures about how much more money people will save if they invest it on their own instead of letting the government squander it on highways and ICBMs. BOB: That’s right — the government has done a terrible job with investing Social Security revenues. If all the contributions made into Social Security over the past 65 years had been invested in the stock market, we wouldn’t have a Social Security crisis today. Bush’s plan gives people the chance to do just that. HAL: This might just work — today’s trash collectors and burger flippers will become tomorrow’s rich financiers! On the other hand, these same people have the opportunity to invest money on their own now, and look what they do with it — they give it all away "investing" in a sock puppet selling dog food, or they buy 30 lottery tickets every week hoping to "cash in." Why should we think that they’ll invest their Social Security dollars any better? BOB: These people aren’t investing the money because the government is taking too much away from them. Social Security taxes are WAY too high! HAL: Amen, brother! But let’s face it, the reason Social Security was invented was to keep stupid people from starving. These people didn’t save their money, and it was getting embarrassing for the government to have people eating dog food and living out of trash cans. So they started Social Security. Now old stupid folks can fritter away their dying years in the comfort of a trailer while they entertain themselves with "Survivor" and "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" Any plan to save Social Security has got to work for stupid people. BOB: But it will! The new plan will have safeguards so people can be assured of a minimal income in retirement. HAL: So what you’re saying is, instead of ONE bad Social Security program, we’ll have TWO: an investment program for smart, lucky people, and an insurance program for stupid, unlucky ones. And this is supposed to SAVE us money? BOB: But it’s GOT to work! My 401K just tanked after I shifted all its assets into GorillaChow.com. I don’t want to have to work until I’m 75! HAL: So you’re going to make Good Ol’ Generation X bail you out! Your parents conquered the world for you, and now you’re going to make your kids pay for your retirement. Aren’t you even a LITTLE ashamed of yourself? Here’s an idea that just might work. How about you try a little harder, save a little more, and be a little more careful with your money? With some luck, you and most of your generation might be able to retire between age 65 and 70. But Social Security won’t kick in until 75. You see, Social Security was meant to be an insurance policy, not a retirement plan. Heck, under this plan, we might just be able to LOWER the Social Security tax, so everyone will have the opportunity to save more. BOB: You’re right, Hal, that plan just might work. It makes a lot of sense. But it will never fly — I know my generation too well. We’re too greedy. A plan like that would mean we’d have to stop leasing a new Beamer every two years. We’d even think twice about paying those golf club dues. Not going to happen. You better bend over and take it like a man, ’cause you’re screwed! And my generation’s music is still better. EMCEE: There you have it folks, another death match — this one was a real thriller, too. The votes are still coming in, but we’re prepared to declare Bob the winner, by a knockout! By David Munger Copyright 2001 |