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The Amazing TIME PORTAL If you’re like us, you’re frustrated with how unbelievably complex today’s world has become -- what, with cell phones, pagers, e-mail, and the Internet, it just seems like no one’s ever "off" -- no one has time to relax and enjoy life. Even though there’s no scientific proof, you just can’t escape the feeling that in the past, things were simpler, more relaxed: the world moved by at a slower pace, and folks were more content. That hunch is beginning to gnaw at you, making you question your very existence, asking yourself, "is it all worthwhile?" Now, finally, our company has come up with an answer. Our new invention is the result of years of laborious effort. Even though all our researchers come from dual career families, they worked on this project 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, all the while agonizing about how their children were doing in day care. They brought their laptops to Little League games and their pagers to parent-teacher conferences. They were so overextended, even their pagers had pagers. Finally, all those efforts have paid off: here at ResearchInstituteLand.com, we have developed an amazing new technology to help the harried denizens of the 21st century confirm that their existence is more miserable than that of any preceding generation. We call it the TIME PORTAL. How does this invention work? Well, our developers are still perfecting Web and PalmOs interfaces for the tool, but in the interest of generating second-round venture capital for the project, we’ve created this simulation. The transcript below represents the types of interaction the TIME PORTAL will allow you to have with people from the past. In the proposed subscription-based Web version, you’d conduct these interviews yourself, in real time. 1950s America You: Hello, there, Mrs. 1950s housewife! Here in the 21st century we’re all dual career families. We’re wracked with guilt about whether our children are being sufficiently enriched by their activities in day care. Aren’t you glad you’re living in the 1950s, not the year 2001? 1950s Housewife: Why, yes! I can see that your life is much more miserable than mine. I’m glad that I can stay home and keep everything sanitary while my husband puts in his time at the office! I know my children are being enriched, because we have Tele-Vision. Since they spend at least 6 hours a day watching quality shows like "Howdy-Doody" and "The Lone Ranger," I know they’ll grow up to be wonderful citizens in the "Space Age." You: And I bet you never have to take your cell phone to the PTA meeting! 1950s Housewife: That’s right. Generally on those nights my husband works late at the office, so I just feed the kids a healthy TV dinner and then go to the meeting by myself while they watch TV. I certainly don’t need to worry about getting phone calls in my prison cell. Here in the 1950s, everyone knows their place. And if we ever get a bit "sad" or "out of sorts," we just smoke a cigarette or take a Valium. Life couldn’t be better! You: What a relief! I AM more miserable than a 1950s housewife! 1930s America You: Hey, Mr. 1930s unemployed worker! Here in the 21st century we’re constantly worried about our investments. No one wants to squander the easy million they made day-trading dot-com stocks. Aren’t you glad you’re living in the 1930s, not the year 2001? 1930s worker: I sure don’t have any worries like that. Ever since I left the South to get away from sharecroppin’ and the KKK, my life has been much better. I’ve only been out of work for 3 years, so my situation’s not as desperate as a lot of folks. Heck, just last week I found a piece of cardboard, and I was able to borrow a knife so I could fashion it into a new pair of shoes! Now waiting in bread lines in sub-zero weather is much more comfortable. I’d hate to be sitting in a plush, heated office frettin’ about what to do with all my money! You: And you have all those wonderful Fred and Ginger movies to cheer you up! 1930s worker: That’s right. I don’t know if I’d be able to take it if I didn’t sleep outside the Odeon. Just the sound of all that singin’ and dancin’ puts me right to sleep. Then I dream about food. You: Of course! I hadn’t even thought of that. In the 21st century, we’re constantly battling to keep our weight down. In the 1930s, almost NO ONE had that problem. I AM more miserable than a 1930s unemployed worker! What a relief! Italy, 1640 You: I’m fortunate to be interviewing the great scientist Galileo Galilei! Galileo, in the 21st century, we’re constantly in doubt over our faith. What, with sending men to the Moon, and computer technology, sometimes it seems like there might not be a God. Don’t you feel lucky to live in a time when everyone had unquestioned faith? Galileo: I sure do: because of my supreme faith in God, I was forced by the Pope to renounce my life’s work confirming that the Earth revolves around the Sun, and I was grateful to accept the punishment of being a prisoner in my own home. Of course, now it’s looking like I was right all along. Oh, well . . . at least I had convictions. You: Some of our recent discoveries even suggest that rather than being created by an all-knowing God, the universe began spontaneously in a huge explosion. Now, we’re all so confused we usually just sit at home on Sunday and read the paper. Galileo: Really? That’s fascinating. It has tremendous implications for all of science! Of course, though I can easily see how it can be reconciled with the Bible, the Pope would consider it blasphemous. Then I’d be forced to agree with the Pope, which I’d willingly do. I’m glad to live in a time when my religion is dictated to me, instead of being free to examine my own faith. You: What a lucky guy that Galileo was -- I’m smugly satisfied to know that my life is worse than his. Lascaux, France, 20,000 B.C. You: Hey, cave-painter guy! Here in the 21st century we’re confused about the true nature of art. Some exhibitions even depict excrement on our sacred objects, claiming to make a "statement" about religion. Don’t you feel lucky to live in a time when art portrayed the simple elements of daily life? Zog: Sorry, can’t talk for long, buddy! I’m developing a new medium here. Hey, Gruela, how’s the search for a new cave going? I don’t want to hear about your lack of venture capital, just MAKE IT HAPPEN! Grok, can you give me an update on the day-care cavern? Are those kids learning proper brushing technique? How are we going to create an art form that will survive for millennia if our children aren’t adequately prepared? I’m sorry, 21st-century guy, what was the question? You: Don’t you just enjoy relaxing in the cave after a long hunt? Zog: Hunt? We’re WAY past that, babe — are you kidding me? We’re talking multimedia, here. We’re content creation specialists with an emphasis on iconic visual imagery. We leave hunting to the Neanderthals. You: Gee, life in a cave doesn’t sound much different from life in the 21st century. . . . Zog: What are you talking about? We’re MUCH more miserable than you guys. When you’re creating the basis for all modern civilization, you’re pulled in 20 different directions. Man, it sure is a relief to see how easy you guys have it in the 21st century! By David Munger Copyright 2001 |