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New Affliction Threatens Humanity Beware, citizens! A new pandemic is upon us, the likes of which hasn’t been seen for years. While its effects aren’t as deadly as AIDS, this malady spreads much more rapidly, and has neither a cure nor a known means of prevention. This dire affliction, described by the medical establishment as "Post-National Crisis Withdrawal Syndrome," or NoCNNitis, strikes immediately following the resolution of a National Media Sensation. Though doctors had warned of such a phenomenon as early as 1925, after the Scopes "Monkey trial," NoCNNitis was only formally recognized as a disorder in 1995, following the Simpson "Juice trial." Now that the Bush/Gore "Chad trial" is over, NoCNNitis is rearing its ugly head once again. Symptoms of NoCNNitis range from mild disorientation to violent delusions. As office workers across the nation try to reorient their water cooler conversations from topics of seemingly dire national importance to ordinary chit-chat, they naturally become muddled and irrational. Here’s an example of a typical conversation between two afflicted individuals: JOE: How can those bastards–I mean, did you see that rain this morning? SUE: Oh, it was terrible! All that water coming down from the Supreme Court. I never thought it would end! JOE mumbles something incoherent, then wanders back to his cubicle, resisting the urge to call up the CNN site on his browser. SUE’s eyebrow begins to twitch uncontrollably. Unable to guide her convulsing left leg, she hops back to her desk on one foot. Psychiatrists have already begun to report even more extreme cases: PATIENT: Doc, I just can’t seem to stop thinking about the election crisis! It’s consuming my every waking moment. I turn on Headline News, but now they’re back to reporting on fashion and sports scores. DOCTOR: You must resist the urge to continue following the election contest. It’s over–remember, this whole crisis only started because everyone was so apathetic about both candidates. Do you actually expect people to maintain their interest in the presidency now that the court battles are over? PATIENT: But didn’t you find it fascinating to watch the televised audio recordings of the Supreme Court hearings? Wasn’t it a hoot when the transcriptionist typed "Sub Celential" instead of "Sub Silentio"? DOCTOR: Or when the justice said "I’m Scalia!" I was howling on the floor over that one! DOCTOR begins to lapse into a catatonic stupor. PATIENT: How about when Gore said "I won’t call you back this time!" Ha, Ha! Ha, Ha! HOO HOO HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! PATIENT’s face begins to transform into the shape of a hideous beast. His skin turns green, and bulging muscles tear his clothing to shreds. He rips the office door off its hinges, then runs down the hallway and through the closed second-story window, landing seemingly unharmed among the shards of broken glass on the street below. Passersby, mumbling to themselves, take little notice of PATIENT. Writers appear to be afflicted with NoCNNitis to a more severe degree than any other segment of society, continuing to write pointless drivel about the election long after the court battles have ended. And who can blame them–I mean, how can anyone rationally say that we should stop counting simply because we’ve arrived at a certain date on the calendar. This decision was obviously motivated by political leanings. Any reasonable person can see that. Dimple. Chad. Dimple. Chad. I’m Scalia. No, I’m Scalia. HAHA! I am Spartacus! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ; alskjfl;kasjfl;kjeowuipvvlkqwnm,oijklqw.,s.adf.k.s…..
By David Munger Copyright 2001 |