Affliction Threatens Humanity
citizens! A new pandemic is upon us, the likes of which hasnt
been seen for years. While its effects arent as deadly as
AIDS, this malady spreads much more rapidly, and has neither a cure
nor a known means of prevention.
dire affliction, described by the medical establishment as "Post-National
Crisis Withdrawal Syndrome," or NoCNNitis, strikes immediately
following the resolution of a National Media Sensation. Though doctors
had warned of such a phenomenon as early as 1925, after the Scopes
"Monkey trial," NoCNNitis was only formally recognized
as a disorder in 1995, following the Simpson "Juice trial."
Now that the Bush/Gore "Chad trial" is over, NoCNNitis
is rearing its ugly head once again.
of NoCNNitis range from mild disorientation to violent delusions.
As office workers across the nation try to reorient their water
cooler conversations from topics of seemingly dire national importance
to ordinary chit-chat, they naturally become muddled and irrational.
an example of a typical conversation between two afflicted individuals:
How can those bastardsI mean, did you see that rain this morning?
Oh, it was terrible! All that water coming down from the Supreme
Court. I never thought it would end!
mumbles something incoherent, then wanders back to his cubicle,
resisting the urge to call up the CNN site on his browser.
eyebrow begins to twitch uncontrollably. Unable to guide her
convulsing left leg, she hops back to her desk on one foot.
have already begun to report even more extreme cases:
Doc, I just cant seem to stop thinking about the election
crisis! Its consuming my every waking moment. I turn on Headline
News, but now theyre back to reporting on fashion and sports
You must resist the urge to continue following the election contest.
Its overremember, this whole crisis only started because
everyone was so apathetic about both candidates. Do you actually
expect people to maintain their interest in the presidency now that
the court battles are over?
But didnt you find it fascinating to watch the televised audio
recordings of the Supreme Court hearings? Wasnt it a hoot
when the transcriptionist typed "Sub Celential" instead
of "Sub Silentio"?
Or when the justice said "Im Scalia!" I was howling
on the floor over that one! DOCTOR begins to lapse into
a catatonic stupor.
How about when Gore said "I wont call you back this time!"
Ha, Ha! Ha, Ha! HOO HOO HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
PATIENTs face begins to transform into the shape of a hideous
beast. His skin turns green, and bulging muscles tear his clothing
to shreds. He rips the office door off its hinges, then runs down
the hallway and through the closed second-story window, landing
seemingly unharmed among the shards of broken glass on the street
below. Passersby, mumbling to themselves, take little notice of
appear to be afflicted with NoCNNitis to a more severe degree than
any other segment of society, continuing to write pointless drivel
about the election long after the court battles have ended.
who can blame themI mean, how can anyone rationally say that
we should stop counting simply because weve arrived at a certain
date on the calendar. This decision was obviously motivated by political
leanings. Any reasonable person can see that.
Chad. Dimple. Chad. Im Scalia. No, Im Scalia. HAHA!
I am Spartacus! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ;