The international “ultraheavyweight” division
Good evening, folks, and welcome to Battlebots!
Boy, have we got a show for you tonight: it’s the premier
episode featuring our new international ultraheavyweight division.
Our fans love the regular divisions so much, we decided it was
about time to deliver EVEN MORE power! In the international division,
the contest takes place outdoors, and Battlebot pilots are allowed
on board, for the totally awesome, complete Battlebot experience.
What do think of this new division, Stan?
Dupkomik: I’m so excited
I just wet my pants. There’s never been a bigger thrill
than full-scale on site Battlebot excitement, except maybe when
I opened for Robin Williams at Caesar’s!
Jockley: Ha! Ha! I love it
when you josh around like that, Stan! Let’s go to our on-site
correspondent, Candy, to find out more about today’s contestants.
Juggypants: I’m here
off the coast of Hawaii, wearing this outrageously low-cut semitransparent
bikini. Kinda hard to take me seriously, isn’t it? Anyway,
today’s battle pits American Tridentosaurus
against the Japanese Sushi-Slicer.
Tridentosaurus seems to have the advantage because of its superior
size, its underwater capabilities, and its 26 Tomahawk cruise
missiles. However, the Sushi-Slicer may have the sympathy
of the international audience gathered here today. Back to you,
Jockley: Thanks, Candy (winks)
– I’ll see you after the show! Let’s get back
to the action. The ultraheavyweight battle of the decade has begun!
It looks like Tridentosaurus
is heading under water. I don’t think the Sushi-Slicer knows what’s coming.
Dupkomik: I can see a pack
of high-school students on Sushi-Slicer and a couple
dozen wealthy donor civilians aboard Tridentosaurus –both teams are definitely trying to work the
audience. And don’t think too hard, Dirk – you might
Jockley: Ha! Ha! Stan, you’re
such a card! Now the Tridentosaurus is heading for
a rapid resurface!
Dupkomik: It looks like Tridentosaurus
is pulling the old backscratcher trick, but I don’t think
Jockley: Ha! Ha! Look, Tridentosaurus
has ripped a gaping hole in the Sushi-Slicer’s hull. I wonder how that’s going to rate
with our international panel of judges. Now Tridentosaurus is just watching from a distance as Sushi-Slicer sinks like a rock. Stan, are those high school students
floundering about in the water?
Dupkomik: That’s right,
Dirk. Let’s hope a shark doesn’t show up and make
a batch of sushi out of those kids!
Jockley: Ha! Ha! Well, it
looks like our international panel of judges has come out with
a decision. It’s unanimous! Sushi-Slicer wins!
Dupkomik: That’s because
the international division uses a different scoring system from
regular Battlebots. Let’s see how the match breaks down.
Jockley: Well, the Tridentosaurus
has the clear lead in Jabs, 1 to 0. But Sushi-Slicer wins in every other category. It easily dominated in
Global Opinion, 185 to 1. On Moral Imperative, it won 1 to 0,
and in Appearance of Hanky Panky, it won 50 to 0. I guess maybe
Tridentosaurus’ captain was a bit overconfident in this battle.
Dupkomik: That’s right,
Dirk. It doesn’t work to just hork the loogy in the spittoon;
you’ve got to do it with style!
Jockley: Ha! Ha! That’s
getting to the heart of the matter, Stan! Now, for our next battle,
we’ll head to the South China Sea. Our correspondent Nerd
Geekly is already on the scene. Take it away, Nerd!
Geekly: I’m here over
the South China Sea, traveling at an apparent velocity of 760
kilometers per hour and communicating via a microwave relay to
a geocentric satellite. I’d explain the communications protocol,
but I wouldn’t want to bore you with trivial details like
that. Today we’re watching the American StalkerPropBot
go against the Chinese Not Made in Taiwan.
While I’d say the StalkerPropBot has the advantage in size and cool high-tech gadgetry,
Not Made in Taiwan
has a significant edge in speed and maneuverability. Back to you,
Jockley: Thanks, Nerd, I
love it when you talk shop with me – I don’t understand
a word you’re saying, but it sure sounds cool! ... And now,
the ultraheavyweight battle of the century has begun! StalkerPropBot
starts the action by pointing its high-tech listening devices
at the Chinese mainland.
right, and it’s also flying over disputed waters. I don’t
think it’s there for the Moo Shoo Pork, Dirk!
Jockley: Ha! Ha! Now it looks
like Not Made In Taiwan is flying up for a closer
look. I’d say StalkerPropBot’s
only defense is to try to ward off Not Made In Taiwan with hollow verbal warnings.
Dupkomik: That’s what
it’s doing right now, Stan. It doesn’t look like those
verbal warnings are having much impact, though. Not Made In
Taiwan is just flying closer. This kinda reminds me
of that scene in Top Gun ... you know the one...
Jockley: ...You mean the
scene where Tom Cruise flies upside down above the Soviet MiG?
Dupkomik: No, the one where
he makes it with Kelly McGillis ... that Kelly McGillis sure is
a babe! Look! Not Made In Taiwan is cutting directly
in front of StalkerPropBot! I don’t think StalkerPropBot has time to get out of the way!
Jockley: Stan, I’m
the one who’s supposed to just describe what everyone watching
can see with their own two eyes! You’re
just supposed to make bad jokes!
Dupkomik: Sorry – Won’t
happen again. Hey! The two planes have collided! Not Made In
Taiwan is careening toward the sea, and it looks like
StalkerPropBot has sustained serious damage as well!
Jockley: (Takes Stan
out with a mean left hook)
I’ll do the talking now, Stan! It looks like StalkerPropBot is going to have to make an emergency landing on the
Chinese island of Hainan. By the way, I had no f***ing idea they
had islands in China. The things you learn on this show! This
match is all over but the judging.... And here are the results
now! It’s a tie! The first tied match in the history of
international ultraheavyweight battlebots!
Geekly: ...which would be
exactly 24 minutes, not counting commercials.
Jockley: Stick to the high-tech
stuff, Nerd – I’ll handle the inflated rhetoric. Now
let’s analyze the scoring. StalkerPropBot
wins in Jabs, 1 to 0. Global Opinion is an 83-83 tie, and Moral
Imperative is tied at 1 to 1. But Not Made In Taiwan
sneaks in with a win in Appearance of Hanky Panky by a score of
652 to 651, to seal the overall tie. Let’s go back on the
scene with Nerd Geekly, who’s got a live satellite connection
with officials from China and the United States.
Geekly: Thanks, Dirk. I’m
here live with Sun Yuxi from China and Colin Powell of the United
States. Sun, what to you have to say about this unprecedented
Yuxi: We’re right.
You’re wrong. Say you’re sorry!
Powell: We’re not sorry!
Nyah, nyah, nyah!
Yuxi: Na-na-na-na boo-boo!
Powell: I’m rubber,
you’re glue. Bounced off me and stuck to you!
Jockley: What a rivalry
these two competitors have – reminds me of the good old
days with the Yanks versus the Reds! I’d love to see these
two nations go head-to-head in a few years, when China’s
built its economic infrastructure up to Superpower status! Well,
that’s it for this edition of Battlebots! For Stan Dupkomik
I’m Dirk Jockley saying “Goodnight, folks!”
Tune in next week for the Nuclear Meltdown edition!