Battlebots: The international “ultraheavyweight” division

Dirk Jockley: Good evening, folks, and welcome to Battlebots! Boy, have we got a show for you tonight: it’s the premier episode featuring our new international ultraheavyweight division. Our fans love the regular divisions so much, we decided it was about time to deliver EVEN MORE power! In the international division, the contest takes place outdoors, and Battlebot pilots are allowed on board, for the totally awesome, complete Battlebot experience. What do think of this new division, Stan?

Stan Dupkomik: I’m so excited I just wet my pants. There’s never been a bigger thrill than full-scale on site Battlebot excitement, except maybe when I opened for Robin Williams at Caesar’s!

Dirk Jockley: Ha! Ha! I love it when you josh around like that, Stan! Let’s go to our on-site correspondent, Candy, to find out more about today’s contestants.

Candy Juggypants: I’m here off the coast of Hawaii, wearing this outrageously low-cut semitransparent bikini. Kinda hard to take me seriously, isn’t it? Anyway, today’s battle pits American Tridentosaurus against the Japanese Sushi-Slicer. Tridentosaurus seems to have the advantage because of its superior size, its underwater capabilities, and its 26 Tomahawk cruise missiles. However, the Sushi-Slicer may have the sympathy of the international audience gathered here today. Back to you, Dirk!

Dirk Jockley: Thanks, Candy (winks) – I’ll see you after the show! Let’s get back to the action. The ultraheavyweight battle of the decade has begun! It looks like Tridentosaurus is heading under water. I don’t think the Sushi-Slicer knows what’s coming.

Stan Dupkomik: I can see a pack of high-school students on Sushi-Slicer and a couple dozen wealthy donor civilians aboard Tridentosaurus –both teams are definitely trying to work the audience. And don’t think too hard, Dirk – you might hurt yourself!

Dirk Jockley: Ha! Ha! Stan, you’re such a card! Now the Tridentosaurus is heading for a rapid resurface!

Stan Dupkomik: It looks like Tridentosaurus is pulling the old backscratcher trick, but I don’t think Sushi-Slicer’s got an itch!

Dirk Jockley: Ha! Ha! Look, Tridentosaurus has ripped a gaping hole in the Sushi-Slicer’s hull. I wonder how that’s going to rate with our international panel of judges. Now Tridentosaurus is just watching from a distance as Sushi-Slicer sinks like a rock. Stan, are those high school students floundering about in the water?

Stan Dupkomik: That’s right, Dirk. Let’s hope a shark doesn’t show up and make a batch of sushi out of those kids!

Dirk Jockley: Ha! Ha! Well, it looks like our international panel of judges has come out with a decision. It’s unanimous! Sushi-Slicer wins!

Stan Dupkomik: That’s because the international division uses a different scoring system from regular Battlebots. Let’s see how the match breaks down.

Dirk Jockley: Well, the Tridentosaurus has the clear lead in Jabs, 1 to 0. But Sushi-Slicer wins in every other category. It easily dominated in Global Opinion, 185 to 1. On Moral Imperative, it won 1 to 0, and in Appearance of Hanky Panky, it won 50 to 0. I guess maybe Tridentosaurus’ captain was a bit overconfident in this battle.

Stan Dupkomik: That’s right, Dirk. It doesn’t work to just hork the loogy in the spittoon; you’ve got to do it with style!

Dirk Jockley: Ha! Ha! That’s getting to the heart of the matter, Stan! Now, for our next battle, we’ll head to the South China Sea. Our correspondent Nerd Geekly is already on the scene. Take it away, Nerd!

Nerd Geekly: I’m here over the South China Sea, traveling at an apparent velocity of 760 kilometers per hour and communicating via a microwave relay to a geocentric satellite. I’d explain the communications protocol, but I wouldn’t want to bore you with trivial details like that. Today we’re watching the American StalkerPropBot go against the Chinese Not Made in Taiwan. While I’d say the StalkerPropBot has the advantage in size and cool high-tech gadgetry, Not Made in Taiwan has a significant edge in speed and maneuverability. Back to you, Dirk!

Dirk Jockley: Thanks, Nerd, I love it when you talk shop with me – I don’t understand a word you’re saying, but it sure sounds cool! ... And now, the ultraheavyweight battle of the century has begun! StalkerPropBot starts the action by pointing its high-tech listening devices at the Chinese mainland.

Stan Dupkomik: That’s right, and it’s also flying over disputed waters. I don’t think it’s there for the Moo Shoo Pork, Dirk!

Dirk Jockley: Ha! Ha! Now it looks like Not Made In Taiwan is flying up for a closer look. I’d say StalkerPropBot’s only defense is to try to ward off Not Made In Taiwan with hollow verbal warnings.

Stan Dupkomik: That’s what it’s doing right now, Stan. It doesn’t look like those verbal warnings are having much impact, though. Not Made In Taiwan is just flying closer. This kinda reminds me of that scene in Top Gun ... you know the one...

Dirk Jockley: ...You mean the scene where Tom Cruise flies upside down above the Soviet MiG?

Stan Dupkomik: No, the one where he makes it with Kelly McGillis ... that Kelly McGillis sure is a babe! Look! Not Made In Taiwan is cutting directly in front of StalkerPropBot! I don’t think StalkerPropBot has time to get out of the way!

Dirk Jockley: Stan, I’m the one who’s supposed to just describe what everyone watching can see with their own two eyes! You’re just supposed to make bad jokes!

Stan Dupkomik: Sorry – Won’t happen again. Hey! The two planes have collided! Not Made In Taiwan is careening toward the sea, and it looks like StalkerPropBot has sustained serious damage as well!

Dirk Jockley: (Takes Stan out with a mean left hook) I’ll do the talking now, Stan! It looks like StalkerPropBot is going to have to make an emergency landing on the Chinese island of Hainan. By the way, I had no f***ing idea they had islands in China. The things you learn on this show! This match is all over but the judging.... And here are the results now! It’s a tie! The first tied match in the history of international ultraheavyweight battlebots!

Nerd Geekly: ...which would be exactly 24 minutes, not counting commercials.

Dirk Jockley: Stick to the high-tech stuff, Nerd – I’ll handle the inflated rhetoric. Now let’s analyze the scoring. StalkerPropBot wins in Jabs, 1 to 0. Global Opinion is an 83-83 tie, and Moral Imperative is tied at 1 to 1. But Not Made In Taiwan sneaks in with a win in Appearance of Hanky Panky by a score of 652 to 651, to seal the overall tie. Let’s go back on the scene with Nerd Geekly, who’s got a live satellite connection with officials from China and the United States.

Nerd Geekly: Thanks, Dirk. I’m here live with Sun Yuxi from China and Colin Powell of the United States. Sun, what to you have to say about this unprecedented deadlocked result?

Sun Yuxi: We’re right. You’re wrong. Say you’re sorry!

Colin Powell: We’re not sorry! Nyah, nyah, nyah!

Sun Yuxi: Na-na-na-na boo-boo!

Colin Powell: I’m rubber, you’re glue. Bounced off me and stuck to you!

Dirk Jockley: What a rivalry these two competitors have – reminds me of the good old days with the Yanks versus the Reds! I’d love to see these two nations go head-to-head in a few years, when China’s built its economic infrastructure up to Superpower status! Well, that’s it for this edition of Battlebots! For Stan Dupkomik I’m Dirk Jockley saying “Goodnight, folks!” Tune in next week for the Nuclear Meltdown edition!

By David Munger