College Board unveils revised college entrance exam

In response to mounting criticism of the Scholastic Achievement Test, the College Board today unveiled the prototype for their new test, the SAT 2005. The old test has been the subject of extensive criticism recently from a wide array of educators. These educators have pointed out two important flaws in the test: (1) stupid kids tend to score very low, and (2) teachers tend to use stupid teaching techniques to try to get their students to score higher.

“How can we justify the rampant grade inflation in our schools if these tests keep showing that our stupidest kids aren’t learning as much?” asked one irate educator, “the SAT makes us look like idiots for even giving some of these kids passing grades in the first place.”

“It’s truly unfair that smart kids tend to score better on the SAT,” commented one educator. “These kids are smart – they don’t need high SAT scores. They’ll be able to use their superior reasoning power to get ahead later in life. The stupid kids are the ones that need to score higher. Who’d give a job to a stupid person who also scored low on the SAT?”

Educators at prominent colleges and universities concur: “We need to ensure that a certain proportion of the students comes from the proper stock – namely our pool of wealthy alumni – and with some of these students scoring quite low on the SAT, it can be a bit, shall we say, embarrassing when the SAT rankings of our entering college class come out. It’s becoming more and more difficult for us to reject qualified applicants who aren’t related to wealthy alums.”

Other educators note that despite significant evidence that the students who score highest on the SAT verbal test are those who read the most books, teachers increasingly resort to inane strategies to improve their students’ vocabulary scores. Ms. Trudy Immelfarb, a 10th grade English teacher from Barstow, California, utilized the technique of throwing rocks at students’ heads when they responded incorrectly to vocabulary questions. “These teaching practices are only harming our children,” lamented one educator, “and they are clearly caused by the SAT.”

The College Board’s new exam will take only 30 minutes, and test takers will be able to use a #1, 2, 3, or 4 pencil. Test takers who are uncomfortable will be given a cup of hot chocolate. Test takers unable to write will have the option of a proctor taking their tests for them.

The most important feature of the new test, according to College Board officials, is that there are no “wrong” answers. “We’ve found that students become worried that they may select an incorrect response. The new test should alleviate those tensions because any response is acceptable. All responses will then be assessed and analyzed by the College Board to demonstrate that educators are doing a good job.”

The College Board is confident that the new test will address educator’s concerns. “Where in the past the emphasis of the SAT has been to assess students’ academic achievement, the new test has been designed specifically to cover educators’ butts,” noted a College Board official. “We are confident that the new test will allow both secondary and post-secondary educators to rationalize any number of educational policy decisions.”

By David Munger