Good evening, folks, and welcome to the official Word Munger presidential debate preview! It’s going to be an exciting debate this evening, and we’ve got all the coverage you need right here at wordmunger.com. We’ve assembled a leading panel of experts to decipher all the nuances of the debate and help make you a better debate viewer.
Let’s turn first to our debate handicapper, Jimmy the Greek. Jimmy, how do you see this debate turning out?
“Thank you, Dave! The first thing I’d like you to do is just look at these guys. They’re quite a couple of specimens, and I think you’ll agree with me that Kerry’s just better physically prepared to handle the 90 minute grind of this debate. He’s got a Greek background, and as we all know, the Greeks are simply better natural debaters than the Texans. Look at that big nose — the nose serves as a natural amlifier for the human voice. You just can’t teach that, Dave!”
So you’re saying that Kerry is somehow better genetically prepared to be a debater? I’m not sure he’s even Greek … and you think this means he’s going to win?
“Sure. I mean look at this guy’s thighs. You could put little Georgie on a Nautilus for a month and he’d never develop thighs like that. Some guys just have it, and other guys don’t.”
But what about the issues? Who’s going to win on the issues?
“I don’t care about that crap. I care about winners, and I’m telling you Kerry’s a guaranteed winner. You can bet on it!”
That’s the word from our expert, Jimmy the Greek. Now let’s move on to another member of our esteemed panel, Richard Simmons.
“Well, I don’t know what Jimmy’s talking about, because I think little Georgie’s just as cute as a button. He’s a handsome little fellow, isn’t he? I just love a pilot, don’t you? They’ve just got so much swagger compared to those swarthy sea captains. I’d just love to get little Georgie’s arms around me. Little Laura’s just got to be the luckiest girl alive. And speaking of which, why don’t the girls get to debate? Why do the boys get to have all the fun?”
So you like Bush, eh? But what about his position on gay marriage?
“Who said anything about marriage? The only position I want to get him in is face down!
Uh, okay, thanks, Richard. And now for some serious debate commentary, let’s turn to George Will.
“Thank you, David. Now, just let me straighten my bow tie and wire-rimmed glasses. I really don’t see why more people don’t wear bow ties. They’re so much neater than straight ties, and it’s not as complex a process to tie one as you might think. When I was interviewing the prime minister of Myanmar last week, he pointed out that the third Article of Confederation makes a distinct nod towards favoring the bow tie over a straight tie. I do believe that Thomas Jefferson was inclined to wear a bow tie on occasion, most often when sipping a glass of 1766 claret, which I must add is definitely superior to the 1757 vintage.”
But what about the debate, George. Who’s going to win?
“Ever since the Smoot-Hawley Tariff, the candidate with the thicker eyebrow hair has been 2.5 times more likely to look at his watch during the debate. Just yesterday the emir of Abu Dhabi pointed out to me that traditionally, sipping your water left-handed is a crime punishable by drawing and quartering in the Malagasy Republic, so Bush might fare well with that demographic.”
So what you’re saying is that the presidential debates are more about self-preening pundits than the campaign itself?
“Whatever gave you that idea?”