George W. Bush and the republican-controlled congress today completed the ultimate tax cut: zero taxes.
“Taxes are bad for Americans,” the president opined, “they harm the economy, limit productivity, and handcuff our American small businesses. Plus, have you seen these tax forms lately? Somebody showed me one of them just the other day. People actually fill these things out every year?”
“But isn’t that a little extreme?” asked a reporter.
“Hey, we’re in a war now, and you’re either with us or against us. It’s unamerican to oppose my tax cuts. You might as well say you don’t support our troops.”
“But if there are no taxes, how are we going to support the troops?”
“Well, by wearing little American flags on our lapels, and tying yellow ribbons around our trees, of course. We’ve got a big one tied around the old oak up at Kennebunkport, and my golf cart here’s got two of ‘em.”
“So you’re saying the government’s not going to spend any more money?”
“No, of course not! You gotta have money to fight a war! Plus I think we’re doing some economy-thingies here at home. You know, subsidies for drug companies and oil wells and the like.”
“So what programs are you going to cut to pay for all this?”
“Cut programs! Don’t say that word, ever, especially during an election year. Who let this guy in here? Of course we’re not cutting any programs. Next thing someone’s going to ask me about the deficit. They always ask about the deficit. People who worry about the deficit are just cowards who don’t want to face our true enemy: democrats! If you listen to the damned democrats, all we’re doing with these tax cuts is shunting our responsibility onto the next generation. How can we be doing that when we’ve got the ‘Leave no child behind’ act?”
We interrupt this interview to bring you this news flash. It turns out our sources have misled us about the origin of the interview transcript. We now believe that everything you have just read is a complete fabrication — a forgery. Don’t worry, everything’s fine with our nation. All congress did was vote to extend the existing tax cuts, thus adding $145 billion to next year’s deficit. One aspect of the above interview was indeed correct: no cuts in spending will be made to pay for these tax cuts. It is an election year, after all.