Why are there three toilets in the street in front of my house?

Neighbor and blogger Mark Sample notes that there are three toilets on the street in front of my house. He has pictures.

He’s trying to understand how they ended up there, and why. It seems that it would be awkward even getting them there.

It is indeed a mystery. When Greta first saw them out there, she wanted to take a picture too. But we were in a hurry, and it was pouring rain (for the first time in months!). Perhaps the rain is related to the toilets. Does every toilet want to be wet?

When we returned from our meeting (the disorienting “parent orientation” at our kids’ school), one of the toilets had been blown over and broken by the storm. If you think it’s awkward carrying a toilet, try lifting a shattered, soaking wet toilet into a 4-foot-tall trash can.

So how did they get there?

That’s the easy part. Jim and I put them there earlier in the afternoon. The why is more complicated.

I’ve always been frustrated with our toilets. It seems that practically every time I took a dump in one of them, there would be a clog. Then there would be the struggle with the plunger, the worry that I’d have an even bigger mess on my hands if things got *really* out of control. Guests would come out of the bathroom and have to embarrassingly admit that the toilet was clogged (“it wasn’t me,” they’d say, meekly), and then I’d have to go fix it. I’d rather take a dump in the woods than in these toilets.

I did research online. I found a toilet forum. (Yes, there is a toilet forum!) It seems the best toilets are not available at your local Lowes or Home Depot. You have to order them from toiletwarehouse.com. (Yes, there is a toiletwarehouse.com!) When you order them, they come in a truck big enough to transport a small nation. They come on a pallet. The driver has GPS and calls you 5 minutes before he arrives. When you’re ordering 150 pounds of toilets, you get service.

I found our plumber online too. It’s a slick operation ($150 per toilet). The plumber showed up and told me the new toilets wouldn’t fit in the spots where the old toilets were — their drains need to be twelve inches from the wall, and our old toilets were ten inches away. He said he could “make it work” for two of the toilets, but in the third bathroom, things were much worse. There had been a leak and it ruined our hardwood floor under the toilet. “You can stick your finger through in some places,” the plumber said. I sincerely hope he didn’t actually try that.

Now I have to find a carpenter to fix the floor before we can be back to three toilets.

In the meantime, we’ve got two good toilets in the house, and three bad toilets in the street. I’ve given the new ones a whirl, so to speak, and I have to say, they live up to the high praise they’ve received on the toilet forums. I’m not sure I’m going to be so bold as to “throw away my plunger,” as some of the rave reviews suggested I do, but I’ll be happy if I don’t have to use it.

And that’s why there are three toilets in the street in front of our house.

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One Response to Why are there three toilets in the street in front of my house?

  1. Mark Hedden says:

    I’m not sure if you read comments that are close to two weeks old…? But since this is the most recent post, I guess I’ll give it a try…. Since you seem to have been having “toilet issues” for such a long time, I am surprised that you didn’t have a single mention of the toilet conditions throughout all of your recent travels throughout Europe. So, how did the various toilets that you encountered in the different countries compare?

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