1000 Death SELL-a-bration!

SCENE: A war-torn Baghdad street, Tuesday.

American soldiers are engaged in a typical battle with Iraqi insurgents. Sniper fire whizzes from above while units try to maintain cohesion below

UNIT COMMANDER: Stay together, men. Watch that group around the corner.

MARINE: Civilian to the right — hold your fire

INSURGENT: Die, Infidel scum! (launches RPG from behind old lady pushing shopping cart)

MARINES: RPG! Hit the deck!

It’s a direct hit. Not only are soldiers down, but also part of the building behind them

MARINE: (brushing off dust and stumbling to his feet) Thank God for body armor! Everyone okay?

COMMANDER: I’m all right. What about Smith?

MARINE: I think he’s down, sir. Dammit. DAMMIT!

Lively choral music. Plenty of horns, exciting, upbeat tempo. Balloons and confetti descend from above in a manner much better choreographed than at the Republican or Democratic conventions. Dancing girls take to the streets

COMMANDER: What the–?!?

VOICE-OVER: Marine Lance Corporal John Smith, today is your lucky day! You thought Tuesday, September 8, would be just an ordinary day, but YOUR death makes it SPECIAL!

VOICE-OVER 2 (female): That’s right, Corporal Smith, today IS your lucky day: you’re the 1000th American soldier to die in Iraq — and we’re going to commemorate it with this 1000-death SELL-a-bration!

Dancing girls surround Smith’s corpse. Camera pans to an overhead shot of smiling girls waving their oustretched hands as the lifeless body stares vacantly past the camera

VOICE-OVER: You and your family will be treated to an ALL-EXPENSE PAID TRIP to Arlington, Virginia.

VOICE-OVER 2: Yes, and that’s not all: Your wife and children will be personally greeted by OFFICIAL WASHINGTON DIGNITARIES — maybe even the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES (If it fits into his campaign schedule. Some restrictions apply.).

VOICE-OVER: But the SELL-a-bration won’t stop there! We’re going to SHARE this moment with the entire world (especially American companies that are profiting from this war). Soon we’ll be expanding this conflict to MORE and MORE nations, so that SOMEDAY, our death total will exceed two, even THREE thousand lives.

VOICE-OVER 2: Those who’ve lost loved ones in the SELL-a-bration need not dismay: we’re not even CLOSE to the total number of deaths that occurred in ONE day on D-Day.

VOICE-OVER: That’s right! And don’t forget that this conflict has already helped create THOUSANDS of AMERICAN JOBS, which as we all know are each worth at least three dead Iraqis each.

VOICE-OVER 2: So come on, boys, join into the SELL-a-bration, and just remember — maybe YOU could be the next inspiration for another SELL-a-bration next time!

Exit dancing girls. Flaccid balloons and dingy confetti litter the street

COMMANDER: Corporal! Let’s get a stretcher and get Smith home. Someone radio this one in to central command.

With bowed heads, the men lift Smith’s limp body onto the stretcher. Fade to black

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