I’m angry — angry that no one asked me for my opinion about John Kerry. After all, I served in a Swift boat with him in 1969 as well (I should clarify that by “Swift boat” I mean my parents’ Volkswagen squareback, by “with him” I mean within 100 miles of the same ocean as him, and by “served” I mean pooped my diapers).
As I said, in a manner of speaking I served with him, and while I once indicated that I was impressed by his military record, I should point out that by “impressed,” I meant sickened, and by “military record” I meant flagrant lies and self-aggrandizement.
As soon as I saw the advertisement by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth I was truly awestruck at its power (when I say “Truth” I mean Bush, and when I say “awestruck at its power” I mean amazed that even semi-morons couldn’t see that this ad was an obvious political ploy).
When my brothers got together of their own accord to create this ad, I knew the truth would soon come out, but again I was surprised they didn’t ask me for my side of the story (when I say “my brothers” I mean people who I’ve never seen or even knew existed, when I say “of their own accord” I mean through the active encouragement of the Bush campaign, when I say “the truth would soon come out” I mean Kerry’s straightforward military record would be obscured in a haze of partisan accusations, and when I say “I was a surprised they didn’t ask me for my side of the story” I mean I knew then that I needed to get a piece of this gravy train).
So I now say with conviction: Don’t vote for Kerry, vote for Bush! (By “Don’t vote for Kerry, vote for Bush” I mean my endorsement is for sale to the highest bidder. Call. Fax. E-mail. IM me. Please. My H2 payment is coming due.)