Only two days after John Kerry introduced John Edwards as his running mate in the presidential election, George W. Bush has already begun criticizing Edwards for his lack of experience. “You don’t want an inexperienced person running the country when disaster strikes,” the President intoned in a recent interview, “if anyone knows that, it’s George W. Bush. When those terrorists struck on September 11, I didn’t have a clue in the world what to do about it. Imagine what I might have been able to do if I’d had a little more experience — say, actually serving in combat, or at a national elected office for 20 years or so.
“If only I’d had a little more experience,” the President continued, “I probably wouldn’t have gone charging into Iraq until I was sure they really had weapons of mass destruction.
“The way I see it, the only person who has the experience to get us out of the mess I’ve created in Iraq and with America’s standing in the free world is the one who got us into it in the first place.
“The other problem I see with Edwards is the fact that he’s a lawyer. Other than Adams, Jefferson, Monroe, Adams, Van Buren, Tyler, Polk, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Hayes, Arthur, Cleveland, Harrison, McKinley, Taft, Wilson, Coolidge, Roosevelt, Nixon, Ford, and Clinton, I challenge you to name one president who’s a lawyer.
“I think the only reason Kerry picked Edwards as a running mate is because he’s handsome and well-spoken. Who’d want a handsome, well-spoken president? That’s like having a tall, athletic basketball player. As someone who’s been part owner of a baseball team, I can tell you that it’s much more expensive flying basketball players around — you have to get them first-class tickets, because of the legroom.
“Unless you want a president who’ll stop alienating our allies, who won’t embarrass himself when he’s on the same podium with Tony Blair, who’ll get us out of Iraq, and who, my sources tell me, also wrote the sermon Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, I’d strongly recommend voting against John Edwards.” The President then walked back to his golf cart and launched a nine iron into the deep rough. “Now, will someone get that for me?”