Kill Bill Roolz!

I had been studiously avoiding the Kill Bill movies because I suspected they were blood-laced slasher films merely masquerading as high art. It seemed to me that it would be difficult for a film to be making a significant artistic statement while engaging in a nearly nonstop bloodbath. After all, two hours of pointless violence, all in the purpose of demonstrating how much pointless violence there is in film today seems, well, pointless.

However, after seeing all the critical acclaim the films were getting, and after my pay-per-view options had dwindled down to Torque, The Haunted Mansion, and Kill Bill, Volume 1, I decided to give old Quentin a try.

Just a few minutes into Kill Bill, Volume 1, I could see this was no ordinary satire of pointless violence in the name of showing as much pointless violence as possible. Because if that’s all it was, then when Uma and Vivica were having their knife fight at the beginning of the film, they wouldn’t have stopped when Vivica’s very mature-looking four-year-old daughter came home on the school bus. It was absolutely hilarious! I mean, there they were, all covered with blood, and they were trying to convince the little girl they were just having a tea party, all because they didn’t want to kill each other in front of a little girl. Then, ironically, a few minutes later, Uma ends up killing Vivica in front of the little girl anyway. Isn’t that ironic? And not in the Alanis Morrissette way, either. This was really ironic, not just ironic that it wasn’t actually ironic.

Then Uma drives off in a truck called the Pussy Wagon. (Aside: You can actually buy a replica of the Pussy Wagon keychain from a tasteful outlet known as “phatpimpclothing.com”. Is that cool or what?) This is another hilarious moment, because, ironically, Uma Thurman has never actually appeared in a film depicting gratuitous nudity.

From there, the movie just gets better. First Uma kills this guy for trying to screw her comatose body, and then she kills her hospital-orderly/pimp, the ironically named “Buck Fuck” (who is was also the proud owner of the “Pussy Wagon”), by slamming his head in a door, while ironically, no one in the hospital notices. Isn’t it hilarious that no one notices two brutal murders in a hospital? That’s the kind of subtle moment that makes this no mere slasher movie.

After that, the movie just kicks it into high gear, dude. There’s this dope anime sequence where we learn why Lucy Liu is such a bitch, and then Uma goes to Tokyo for her ultimate confrontation with Lucy. Uma slices and dices her way through, like, 100 of Lucy’s bodyguards, with blood spurting out every which way. Uma looks just killer in her bumblebee-yellow biker suit, which is, like, completely soaked with blood by the end of the scene. Finally Uma confronts Lucy, but it’s all in the snow, and they have this raucous fight, and, like, for the fourth time in the movie we think Uma’s dead, but she’s not really, and then she slices off the top of Lucy’s head. Not the whole head, because that’s already been done, like, three times by now. She just slices off the top, and we can see Lucy’s brain while she stands there admiring Uma’s sword.

Then Uma takes Lucy’s translator/lawyer chick, who’s somehow survived having her arm chopped off, and uses her to send a message to Bill (you know, the “Bill” in “Kill Bill”). I won’t tell the ending of the movie, because I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you, but I will say that it is a shocker! You won’t want to miss Kill Bill, Volume 2 after you find out what happens at the end! This movie roolz!

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