Matt Walsh is sure that he’s right! He doesn’t want Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, or Donald Trump to become president. That would be a disaster, as all people who agree with Matt Walsh will instantly acknowledge. So in order to prevent such a catastrophe from happening, we must severely restrict voting rights so as to skew the electorate towards Matt Walsh’s personal opinion of who should be elected. You know, good upstanding Americans who tune their TVs to Fox News 24 hours a day! Not those nasty, lazy ignoramuses who only watch MTV, or even worse, MSNBC!
Matt proposes a 3-part plan, cleverly designed to sort out the Fox-News-Watchers from the chaff:
1. Require Every Voter To Take And Pass A Fifth Grade Civics Exam
This is a no-brainer. It’s easy to make a test that only people who agree with you will pass. Everyone who doesn’t pass it is just stupid and deserves, like Matt says, to be “exiled to an island in the Pacific.” Maybe that one that Obama pretends to have been born on. Naturally the questions will be written by a fair-and-balanced expert who regularly appears on Fox News, to make sure the Right Sort of voters sail through the test!
2. Abolish Early Voting
I have to admit, this one had me confused for a while. How could abolishing early voting help ensure that only the “best” voters make it to the polls? Wouldn’t we want everyone who passes Matt’s test to be able to vote? Of course not! Plenty of liberals and other miscreants could fake their way through an easy 10-question test. But people of True Character know that voting shouldn’t be easy. If it was easy, then some lazy (aka LIBERAL) people might be inclined to vote instead of going to their inflexible jobs or staying home and “liking” their friends’ Facebook posts!
Nosiree, voting should only occur on the designated Tuesday between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm, as the Founding Fathers intended. That way, people who had the wisdom and foresight to get jobs with flexible work schedules (and who, not coincidentally, tend to agree with Matt’s politics) are the only ones who will be able to vote! Brilliant! Let’s make sure the dimwits who work in our factories, clean our office buildings, drive our trucks, and do other “McJobs” with low pay and no time off are conveniently unavailable the only time it’s legally possible for them to vote!
3. Only Grant Voting Privileges to Tax Payers
This is the best one of all! No tax-paying, no voting! And let me be clear here, Matt only wants to grant voting privileges to people who pay the Right sort of taxes, like property tax and income tax. I mean, nearly everyone pays sales tax and payroll tax, so we couldn’t possibly grant voting rights to those folks. Next thing you know they’ll be asking for decent wages and free college for everyone! No, the people Matt wants to exclude are folks like a “19-year-old college sophomore who lives in a dorm and spends his evenings getting drunk with the booze money his parents gave him.” Obviously this college student could pass the civics test and he has plenty of time to vote on Election Day, so we’ve got to come up with another way to exclude him. College students are LIBERAL! And they are also eligible to register for the draft. We might need them to fight in some endless war in the Middle East one of these days. We can’t have them voting and ruining everything!
Yesiree, Matt Walsh has just come up with about the best possible argument for limiting the vote to people who agree with him. That ought to keep the Right people running the country until they need to come up with other ways to … er … improve the electorate. America didn’t become the Greatest Democracy in the World by letting no-goodnicks decide elections for them. If Matt has his way, America will truly be Great again. Only it won’t quite be a democracy any more, but that’s okay. If we can’t be the world’s greatest democracy, at least we’ll be a half-decent oligarchy. Surely that’s better than having another President Clinton, isn’t it?