U.S. President George Bush appeared on Arab television yesterday to announce an exciting new American product. “It’s important for the people of Iraq to know that in a democracy, everything is not perfect, that mistakes are made,” the President noted, “that’s one of the great things about democracy: it’s quirky!”
“It’s like the Hula-Hoop,” Bush continued. “Who would have thought that it would have become the crazy fad it was — and yet American companies made millions!”
“We think by putting the fun back into torture, we can make U.S. prison management a leading new export for the twenty-first century. Only American soldiers have had the extensive training needed to come up with the truly wacky sorts of humiliation necessary in a modern prison facility. Despots and dictators around the world are already lining up for our consulting packages showing them how to abuse prisoners the democratic way,” Bush pointed out, with a hint of demonic cackling in his voice.
“Of course, implementing a program on such a large scale simply can’t be accomplished if it relies on a massive government infrastructure. That’s why we’re outsourcing all prison management to our trusted governing partner, Halliburton.” The President was beginning to rub his palms into a sweaty lather. “Now, I do have to apologize for one thing: I know many of our Middle Eastern brothers and sisters were upset when they saw the pictures of those American prison guards frolicking with naked Iraqi men wearing panties on their heads, and I do have to say I’m sincerely sorry. I’m sorry that all of you couldn’t share in the blessings of democratic prison management. Fortunately, I’ve got my staff working night and day on a solution that will work for all the citizens in the world.
“Just remember, although democracy takes time, soon we’ll all be singing our new national anthem (composed by the great Barry Manilow) ‘Halliburton means fun… for everyone!'”