Ask Mr. Cranky Pants, Episode 2

Dear Mr. Cranky Pants:
Thank you for responding to our calls to continue the fantastic Ask Mr. Cranky Pants feature! I’m glad you finally saw just how awesomesauce it is! –Big Fan

Dear Overweight Helicopter:
If you think I decided to do another installment of Ask Mr. Cranky Pants because you asked me to, I’d like to introduce you to a song I used to listen to a lot back in the 1970s. I’m sure Carly Simon sang it just for you.

By the way, back then we didn’t have those newfangled “Music Videos.” We put a record on a record player and we looked at the album cover while we played it. If it had liner notes with song lyrics, we called ourselves lucky. This video actually does a pretty good job of simulating what it was like to listen to a record back in the 1970s.

Also, we didn’t have “awesomesauce” in my day. Apple sauce, maybe. But who wanted apple sauce when you could have, oh, I don’t know…ANY OTHER FOOD? —Mr. Cranky Pants

Dear Mr. Cranky Pants:
What do you think of the antivaccination movement? Do you agree that we shouldn’t be forced to put poisons into our children’s bodies? —Wondering in Wichita

Dear Idiot:
In my day nobody gave “permission” for their child to be vaccinated. We went to school, lined up, and got poked with MMR, polio, and who knows what other vaccines. If we complained to our parents about it, they told us about their sisters and cousins who got measles or mumps. It wasn’t rare at all to know someone who had a baby that had nearly died from measles.

We also learned about vaccines in school. You know, irrelevant details like the MILLIONS of people who died of smallpox before there were vaccines, the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of Americans paralyzed by polio. We learned that the folks who developed vaccines were brilliant scientists who saved millions of lives, and we were glad to be spared uncomfortable illness or death.

These days antivaxxers have “parties” where they try to infect their children with chicken pox instead of having their kids get a vaccine. I would have gladly gotten a dozen or more shots to be spared the agony of chicken pox as a kid. So would my cousin Mike, who nearly died from the disease. News flash: from an immunization perspective, getting a vaccine is exactly the same thing as infecting your child with a disease, except when they get the vaccine THEY DON’T GET SICK. So you can give your child a “poison” like active chicken pox, which will make them sick, or you can give your child a weakened form of the disease — a deactivated poison, which won’t make them sick and will prevent them and others from getting sick.

And you wonder why people like me get cranky when they hear from people like you. Yeesh. —Mr. Cranky Pants

Dear Mr. Cranky Pants
What do you think of the whole Hostess thing? I mean, isn’t it a tragedy that we can’t buy Twinkies any more? —Nostalgic in North Dakota

Dear North Pole:
I’m absolutely rent asunder by the lack of available high-calorie foods in the modern convenience store. I mean, really, after making my way past the six aisles of candy bars, the hot dog machines, the pizza warmers, the racks and racks of fried snacks, the cookies, the instant macaroni and cheese*, the latte machine, the soda dispenser, the ice-cream cooler, the six refrigerators full of sugary beverages, and the Little Debbie Devil Squares, I’m horrified to see that there is not also a rusted-out rack of Hostess Ding Dongs, Ho-Hos, and Twinkies.

How could America have failed to notice that we were no longer buying enough Hostess treats to make this a viable business? You’d think if a person could scarf down an 800-calorie panini at Panera and top it off with a 570-calorie frozen mocha and a 450-calorie chocolate chipper cookie, they could certainly find room in their gullet for a coupla Hostess Cupcakes, which chalk in at a measly 160 calories each.

Well, I guess that’s about enough for this time. Tune in again, whenever I get around to it!

* Seriously? Instant macaroni and cheese? For people too lazy to add three ingredients to their pasta? What’s next — intravenous mac & cheese? (By the way, if you think I.V. Mac & Cheese is a good business concept, remember that I thought of it first. Have your people call my people)

This entry was posted in Satire. Bookmark the permalink.