“Star Wars” program hires new consultant

After this week’s devastating missile defense failure, the Defense Department today announced that it’s taking a new tack in developing its high-tech security system.

“We’re well aware the missile test didn’t work. Anybody can see that,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld with his characteristic rhetorical angst. “Did we want it to work? Yes. Did it work? No. Would it have been better if it did work? Yes. Do we know why it didn’t work? No. Do we know why I ask myself so many questions? No.

“We’re serious about making ‘Star Wars’ work,” Rumsfeld went on, “and so the Defense Department is taking the unprecedented step of hiring a new space defense systems consultant. Though he was raised a small farm with traditional Family Values, our new consultant can only be described as a ‘rebel.’ To some, he may be an unconventional pick, but I think he’ll be able to get the job done. Allow me to introduce Mr. Luke Skywalker. He’s ready to take your questions.”

Luke SkywalkerReporter: “Mr. Skywalker, after spending over 50 billion dollars on this so-called ‘Star Wars’ initiative, the military has shown no ability to hit these tiny targets only a two or three meters in diameter. What makes you think you’ll be able to help them succeed where so many have failed before you.”

Skywalker: “Well, there’s no denying this will be a tough task, but I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They’re not much bigger than two meters.”

Reporter: “But what specific advice and experience do you bring that will enable our military to succeed?”

Skywalker: “Well, I have rescued a princess — and a hot one at that. That ought to count for something, shouldn’t it? Plus I have some great droids who’ll help me out. Mostly I guess I’ll have to rely on The Force. Sometimes technology fails us, but The Force never does.”

Reporter: “Did you say ‘The Force’? What do you mean by that?”

Rumsfeld: “I think what Mr. Skywalker was referring to is his deep personal faith. I can assure you, Mr. Skywalker is as touched by the light of the Lord as any one of us here.”

Han Solo: “Yeah, he’s a great kid, as long as he doesn’t get too cocky.”

Rumsfeld: (aside to Solo) “Ixnay with the ‘ockycay,’ Solo! There are children watching!”

Reporter: “So, Mr. Skywalker, what are your specific plans for improving the ‘Star Wars’ program?”

Skywalker: “Well, it starts with a good soundtrack. Something evocative of Holst with a little Dvorak thrown in. Very Boston Pops on the Fourth of July. Then of course there’s the cross-marketing. Imagine every little boy in America with a ‘Star Wars’ toy. You don’t buy publicity like that!”

Reporter: “What are you making, a missile defense or a feature film?”

Skywalker: “A missile defense? Have you seen how much those things cost? They make feature films look like fire sale purchases. Of course we’re making a feature film. It’s a lot easier to make people think they’re safe than it is to actually make them safer!”

Reporter: “I guess I can’t argue with that.”

Darth Vader: “Neither can I!”

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