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Just 387 shopping days ’til Christmas 2005!
The Kmart store in LaGrange, Georgia has completed its preparations for Christmas 2005 — 387 days early! Store manager Fred Chumly pointed out that last year, Wal-Mart beat them out by putting up its decorations in September. “We just wanted to get a leg up on the competition this year.” The store was mobbed this morning as customers wrestled over what’s expected to be the hot toy in 2005, the radio-controlled hula-hoop. Kmart had sold out of 2004’s hot toy, the Hummer H2 ride-on, by October this year.

Ken Jennings set to have “best Christmas ever”
After winning over $2.5 million on “Jeopardy,” quiz champ Ken Jennings has set his sights on something even more important: how to have the best Christmas ever. “Last year, my tree was only 10 feet tall, so some of the neighbors outdid me,” the brainy millionaire pointed out. “Now I can afford to have a hole cut in my living room ceiling, so I’ll be getting at least an 18-footer this year.” Jennings also plans to fly Sarah Moulton in to make gingerbread cookies. “We’ll be adding an extra room to the house to accommodate all the presents. I don’t want to give anything away, but let’s just say there’s a lot of plasma in my family’s future!” The champ hasn’t yet revealed his Christmas plans for 2005.

“Alexander” and “Polar Express” sign cross-marketing agreement
This year’s two biggest flops — Oliver Stone’s dud “Alexander” and the Tom Hanks vehicle “Polar Express” — have decided to combine forces. “These are two of the most monumental failures in motion picture history,” said Stone. “It’s as if ‘Cleopatra’ and ‘Ishtar’ had come out in the same year. So we see this as a rare marketing opportunity.”

“We’ve hired the best minds in the film satire business — the ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000&#39 guy and Michael Moore — to help us recast these films as the movies you love to hate,” said Hanks. Promotions will include “best heckler” contests at theaters, as well as “free vegetable night,” where each guest will be provided with a partially decomposed tomato or turnip, perfect for hurling at the screen.

Northern liberals plan secession
After the latest “moral” tirade from the South, northerners have become so disgusted with their neighbors in the warmer regions that they are seriously discussing secession. “They’re so different from us — so backward, so unwilling to accept new ideas,” one northerner said, “that it just doesn’t make sense to be lumped together with them.” After a hotly disputed election, where the ballot was decided on a recount, northerners feel they’ve had enough. So now Northern Mecklenburg County, North Carolina, is preparing to secede.

The final straw was when Republican County Commissioner Bill James claimed the problem with county schools is that the blacks in the county live in a moral sewer. The southern leader was hastily condemned by the northern liberal elite, which led to calls for secession. Proposed new county names are “Realityland” and “Bibletopia.”

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