After their shocking merger earlier this week, Kmart and Sears are at it again. In a move that stunned the business world, Kmart and Sears announced their intention to buy former tech giants Pets.com and Iomega.
“Have you ever used one of those ‘zip drives’?” asked Kmart chairman Edward “Eddie” Lampert. “Those things will hold, like, 12 floppies on one disk. We think they are poised to become the next big thing. And who ever thought to sell pet supplies on the World Wide Web? Did you know that people buy, like, a kabillion dollars worth of pet food every year? Imagine if we could convince all of them to pay even more to have FedEx leave a note on their front door telling people they couldn’t deliver their pet food.”
When told that Pets.com and Iomega aren’t exactly industry leaders anymore, Lampert just rolled his eyes. “Have you seen how much the ‘industry leaders’ are going for these days? Kmart doesn’t have that kind of money. Why do you think we hired has-beens like Martha Stewart and Jaclyn Smith to be our spokespeople? Besides, we think there’s a substantial demographic out there that’s consistently 5 to 20 years behind the times, so this acquisition plays right to that market sector”
“What can I say — they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse,” said Pets.com founder Greg McLemore. “Plus I threw in about 57 truckloads of sock puppets — never even taken out of the bubble wrap.” When asked if Kmart/Sears leaders had been informed that the Pets.com web address was now owned by competitor and industry leader Petsmart, McLemore replied in hushed tones: “I think we ought to just let them suss that one out on their own.”
So what’s next for Kmart/Sears? Industry analysists suspect that ’80s computer giant Commodore and energy has-been Enron might be in their sights. “These companies used to be household names,” said one analyst. “You can’t buy name recognition like that. Well, actually you can. I heard Enron’s only asking for a cool million and a summer cottage in Bora Bora.”