Arafat still not sure he’s dead

Arafat waves from his hospital room to show he is healthyPalestinian leader Yasser Arafat today announced that reports of his death and burial might be premature.

“Honestly, there’s not a whole lot of difference between this ‘death’ thing and being in a coma. It’s all a little murky to me now,” the former terrorist thought to himself yesterday. Or maybe he didn’t, depending on your views of the vitality of the human soul. “Whatever my status, it’s definitely too early to start deciding who’s going to rule Palestine. I’m actually feeling quite lively just this moment.”

Israeli Premier Ariel Sharon wasted no time expressing his views on the subject: “My coroner has stated to me in the plainest terms that Mr. Arafat is not only merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead. Therefore the Palestinian people should appoint a new leader of whatever paltry scraps we feel like tossing them, and they should do it as soon as possible after our helicopters are finished gunning them down.”

Preparations for Arafat’s demise began in earnest three weeks ago when he started experiencing a mild cough. “It was really nothing more than a chest cold,” Arafat pointed out, “and suddenly they’re whisking me off to Paris and digging holes all over Ramallah.”

“A few days later I was just laying in my hospital room watching reruns of ‘Match Game 76′ when Mohammed Dahlan calls and starts arguing with Suhi over who’ll head the defense ministry and who’ll get the rec-room furniture after I’m dead,” Arafat recalls. “It was like, ‘hello? I’m right here! Can’t you guys even leave the room to talk about this stuff?’ If they’re going to be so juvenile about all this, maybe this isn’t the best time for me to die. Besides, I heard that guy from ‘Home Improvement’ has taken over the hosting duties on ‘Family Feud,’ and I’ve really been wanting to check that one out.”

When asked by the press to comment, Gaza strongman Dahlan replied “he’s dead. It’s a sad, sad day for Palestine, and it’s rude for anyone to question the possibility that Arafat might still be living. If he’s still alive, how come I’m already living in his home in Ramallah?”

“Oh, now I’m pretty sure I’m coming out of this coma,” Arafat observed. “Things are getting brighter. I see a glowing ball in the distance. Look! All my friends are there. And there’s my dog from when I was eight! See, I’m standing up to greet them. If I’m so dead, how come I’m standing up? If I’ve kicked the bucket, how could I be levitating through the celestial spheres?”

Asked what she thought about the matter, Arafat’s wife Suhi responded with a question: “What will get me more attention in the press?” When told the only possible way to claim an additional five minutes of fame was if Arafat rose from the dead and started a rock group with her as the lead singer, she responded with desperate ire: “Just because he’s not sitting up, moving, or breathing, doesn’t mean he can’t play a mean lick on a Fender Stratocaster.” Meanwhile, hospital orderlies had already begun carting Arafat’s lifeless body from the room. As a swarm of reporters followed him. Suhi ran after them, screaming “No! Don’t go with him, look at me! Don’t I look au courant in this leopard print vest?”

“Look at me, I’m flying!” Yasser shouted to no one in particular. “I’m eating all my favorite foods. I feel light as a feather. Maybe I can live with this death thing after all.”

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One Response to Arafat still not sure he’s dead

  1. Robert S. says:

    Too funny! I keep wonder if he’s going to rise on the third day and come back to save us all from our sins.

    BTW, I’m the bloke who left the CLT-related comments on Drum’s site.

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