With new mandate, red states hope to change their color


Utah farmer Scott Westerveldt kicked the dirt outside his sprawling home. “Every time I looked up on that screen last Tuesday and saw my state colored red, I just got a sick feeling in my stomach. Red’s a color for the communists, and last I checked, we ain’t in Russia. Why does Taxachusetts get to be blue and we always have to be this confounded red? We won the gull-durned election!”

So what color would he pick?

“What would Jesus pick?” Westerveldt replied. “Isn’t it just like you liberal media types not to understand the color we ordinary folks want to be? So you tell me — what color do you think we want?”

Ummm…. maroon? Or maybe a nice lime green?

“There you go, out of touch again. Typical.” Westerveldt shook his head, and without saying another word, hopped into his pickup and blazed off down the dirt track that divided his onion fields from his barley.

From South Dakota to Georgia, the sentiments of ordinary people were similar. There was almost universal agreement that red didn’t adequately express their true character.

“The liberal media has painted us all red, with no consideration for what we think,” said waitress Lulu Jones of Topeka, Kansas. “It’s just like my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Anderson. She always covered my papers in red ink. I still don’t understand what was wrong with an essay explaining why Jesus told me pi was equal to three. Darned liberals!”

Outside the Wal-Mart in Mobile, Alabama, a crowd was gathering. “Look up at that Wal-Mart sign up there,” said customer Roy Gautreau. “Now that sign is America. Do you see any red on that sign? Other than the red strips at the top and the bottom, there’s not one drop of red paint there. Not like over at the Tar-jay where all the baby killers shop.”

So maybe we should just … change the red with the blue? We could do that. So New York and Massachusetts could be red and Oklahoma and Kentucky could be blue?

“You really don’t get it, do you?” Gautreau sighed as he loaded a 48-pack of spring breeze scented Charmin into his Ford Excursion. “These liberals are worse than I thought.”

What? Is it something I’m wearing? What about yellow? Orange? Brown? Green?

Gautreau and the others simply shook their heads and walked away.

Watermelon? Puce? Huckleberry? Amber? Lemon? Teal? What?

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