If you’re like most Americans, you’ve already decided who to vote for in the upcoming elections.
But if you’re “undecided,” you’re a victim of an oppressive malady. For you, it just seems like everyone is pressuring you to make a decision, and it’s beginning to consume you like a fire, burning deeply in your belly. Or at least like a mild case of gas. Since you’ve obviously never heard of Zantac, Word Munger has a solution for you. That’s right, it’s our official undecided voter guide.
Your voting decision could never be easier: simply follow along the chart, indicating your preference in the space indicated. Don’t worry too much about each individual decision, just go with your gut (though you probably shouldn’t use this guide after eating a lot of greasy food).
In just a few short minutes, your election decision will be made, and you can GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, like the rest of us, you moron!
Now fill out the form like a nice little voter. Here goes:
|Terror||If something goes wrong, will protect us with an orange alert||If something goes wrong, will protect us with an alliance with France|
|Iraq||Will stay in Iraq until Jesus tells him to leave||Will stay in Iraq until the polls tell him to leave|
|Taxes||War in Iraq: $225 billion. Homeland security: $50 billion. Medicare drug benefit: $500 billion. Paying for all this on credit: priceless||Make Bill Gates pay for everything. What’s the national debt, 7 trillion? He’s got to be worth at least that much, right?|
|Social Security||Cut taxes, increase benefits, establish private accounts, and pray to Jesus that the numbers add up||Don’t change anything, and hopefully this thing won’t boil over until a Republican is president|
|Gay Marriage||We don’t like gays unless they’re Republican||Did I mention that Mary Cheney is gay? If not, let me just mention that Mary Cheney is gay.|
|Jobs||Did I mention the "No Child Left Behind" act? If not, let me just mention the "No Child Left Behind" act.||Will change the federal definition of "hate crime" to include outsourcing jobs|
|Health care||Government should only be involved when it makes money for major corporations||Government should only be involved when it takes money from major corporations|
|Guns||If guns are illegal, then how will honest Americans defend themselves against the terrorists who come to America to buy guns?||Did I mention that I am a hunter? Therefore I will ban guns for all purposes except bagging a goose. And don’t I look fetching in my camo hunting gear? They tell me it’s the new black!|
|Appearance||Looks hauntingly like Ron Reagan’s costar in "Bedtime for Bonzo." Ignore that hump on his back||Looks hauntingly like that anal retentive eagle on "The Muppet Show." Ignore that "insta-tan"|
|Kids||Beautiful twin daughters, remind us all what it’s like to be on "Girls gone wild"||Wife has some hunk-a-licious sons — but who cares? — they’re worth millions!|
|Your voting decision!||Tally up the choices you made at the right, then divide by the national debt, add the throw weight of all the missing explosives in Iraq, multiply by the Bush tax cut, then do a twelve-dimensional polynomial analysis taking into account both the number of electoral votes your state has and the average price of a gallon of gas.
Next, walk into your garage and take a look at your car. If it is a recent model SUV or luxury car, you will be voting for Bush. Otherwise, you’re a Kerry voter!
Now steel yourself for a 2-hour wait in line on Tuesday, then plan to sit back and watch the