In the biggest comeback in military history, the Boston Red Sox today captured the world’s most elusive terrorist, Osama Bin Laden.
“After our victory against the Yankees on Wednesday, we realized there was really nothing we couldn’t do,” said hero Johnny Damon. “That victory would have been hollow if we didn’t take it to the next level.”
“When you can come back from a 3-0 deficit, terrorists don’t seem so scary,” said starter Curt Schilling. “So I just taped up my ankle and said, ‘let’s get this bastard’!”
“When I came to America, I had to learn English,” pitcher Pedro Martinez observed, “so picking up Arabic in a day and infiltrating Al Qaeda was a breeze.”
“After the game on Wednesday, the fellas just got together in the locker room and said, ‘how do we top this?'” said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. “We’ve just orchestrated the biggest comeback in the history of professional sports. Winning the World Series would have just been a letdown.”
So instead of returning to Boston, the team agreed to order their charter jet pilot to fly directly to Pakistan. Hastily converting their Red Sox cheer towels into Arab-style headpieces, the team, easily recognizable in any American city, slipped quietly into daily life in the city of Islamabad.
“It’s like going against a fastball pitcher like Randy Johnson. You expect him to throw a fastball, but instead he gives you a wicked curve,” designated hitter and chief intelligence strategist David ‘Papi’ Ortiz pointed out. “That’s why we went to Islamabad. The obvious thing would have been to head up to the remote mountain villages near the Afghan border, so we knew that’s where Osama wouldn’t be. That’s like throwing a knuckleball on a 3-2 count. Not going to happen, not if you’re as smart as Osama.”
Once they were on the ground, it didn’t take the wiley Red Sox long to find Osama’s hideout. “Again, it was a matter of anticipating his moves before he made them,” Francona said. “We figured he would be where we least expected: right next to the U.S. Embassy. When we spotted the building, we had Pedro throw a 95-mile-an-hour fastball through the window. The response was automatic weapons fire, so we knew we had the place.”
“Those rotten infidels don’t play fair,” spat Osama from his cell in Guantanamo Bay. “I was expecting that ball to be called a ground-rule double, but they convinced the ump to give them a home run. I couldn’t stand for that!”
Now that they’ve captured Osama Bin Laden, what’s next for the Red Sox? “We’re going to Disneyworld,” said MVP David Ortiz. “What else would we be doing?”