In a dramatic flip-flop, lifelong Republican Dick Ott of Racine, Wisconsin now admits that kerning was widely used as early as 1972.
“As it turns out, kerning has been a feature of typography since nearly its beginning,” Ott opined on the right-leaning message boards of Free Republic. Within minutes, Ott was descended upon by dozens of commenters demanding to know where his loyalties lie: “What kind of Republican supports the existence of kerning?” snarled gottaluvdubya, “I’ve never wavered once from my strong faith that kerning was invented on May 5, 1986 by Bill Gates.”
Darth_Cheney was even more blunt in his criticism of Ott: “As far as I’m concerned, you can take your baby-killing, Jesus-hating kerning all the way to Gay Francisco and conduct your blasphemy there.”
“I knew it would be like this,” Ott replied. “It’s like that day I saw a plant that looked like marijuana growing in my garden. I pulled it out right away, but it kinda rocked my faith in our lord Jesus Christ for a while. What if the neighbors saw it in my trash bin?”
“I used to know what I stood for, but now that I’ve changed my mind about kerning, a whole new world of possibilities has opened up to me. I might actually be willing to have something other than ham and mashed potatoes for dinner on Sunday.” Ott shuddered visibly. “I might even try Mexican. I’ve heard those ‘enchiritos’ are pretty good.”
“It’s also affected him, you know, in the bedroom,” Mrs. Ott chimed in, her voice dropping to almost a whisper. “We actually tried a new position this past Saturday.”
“I didn’t like that position, though. I think we’ll go back to the old one next week. Oh, no! That’s another flip-flop.”
“That’s one kind of flip-flopping I don’t mind a bit,” hummed Mrs. Ott with a sly little grin.
“Yes, the recognition of kerning has changed a lot of things for me, but despite it all, I’m still going to stand by our leader, President George W. Bush. What I really admire about him most is the way he never changes his mind. You really know where that man stands.” Then Mr. Ott turned to his wife. “Honey, let’s head on down to the Toyota dealer and trade in the Hummer for one of those new hybrids. After that, we can drive up to Madison for some veggie burgers and a wheatgrass shake. I feel like my Karma needs a boost.”
“Sounds like a change for the better,” winked Mrs. Ott.